Wednesday, 10 December 2014

You're not rolling particularly high, are you?

Two regulars down but with the addition of an occasionally recurring player, we decided on playing Betrayal at House on the Hill for this session. We were doing okay, and then the little boy turned out to be a traitor (AGAIN - seriously, third time playing this game in the group and all three times that kid's been the baddie!) and summoned a ghost.

The ghost took down three of the explorer characters and the traitor died but there was one guy left standing - who finished off the ghost and lived to tell the tale. Somehow they were making it out to be some kind of feminist conspiracy, because the female characters died first. Methinks feminism isn't a word that means what they think it means.

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

One die-roll at a time, we will kill everyone in the room

As we settled down with a couple of freshly baked Bakewell tarts and fudge and tins of candy and a box of After Eights (you think we're kidding), a Scottish Dwarf was rolled up in preparation for Rifts, and we were well excited by the prospect of playing that game again in the new year, as you can see by the quotes below.

In D&D, we went further into Wave Echo Cave and got to a room where we then spent the rest of the session killing things. (You think we're kidding.)

Having dispatched a number of bugbears, spiders, a doppelganger and a couple of wizards, we found a room in which we in turn found Nundro Rockseeker - the last of Hematite's missing cousins. Alive, luckily.

And then we got XP and lived happily ever after, having not died. (Except for Rhogar, rest in piece, dragon brother.) Will we return to D&D again? We might, you know, but it'll have to wait until the new year.

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

If you haven't got the XP, it's not dead

We continued our foray into the Wave Echo Cave system. There were skeletons and bugbears and stuff in there. It's a good thing we have Malinda in the party - she whittled five bugbears down to one in one round of burning hands. Result!

We also managed to find a door that said bugbears had barricaded. Turned out there was a big, flaming skull behind there. We decided to close the door and explore one of the other directions ...

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Bacon-flavoured breakfast ale needs to be a thing

We are now in the final dungeon, a big cave system called the Wave Echo Cave, because we're still trying to find Gundren's missing brothers. So far, we've met an ochre jelly and assorted map-making.

We left this session being attacked by some ghouls. Two out of five characters are paralysed ...

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

The appropriate barbecuing of goblin chefs

Having liberated an owlbear by killing it rather than setting it free, we continued to explore Cragmaw Castle with our new friend Theren. We found the kitchen, where we basically stormed in and killed a bunch of people without warning, thus making one of us remark, "You realise this is like someone running into Chimera and gunning us all down, right?" or words to that effect.

Well, in D&D you kill first and ask questions later. It's like a rule and everything.

In one of the rooms, we came across some scrolls - one of which was Revivify, which allows you to resurrect a dead character within a minute of their demise. If only we had had one of them to hand last session ...

It would appear that we have finished exploring the castle, so can now be on our way back to Phandalin to hand in the quest and get rewarded.

Wednesday, 5 November 2014

Adventurers are the worst kind of people

After having named the goblin hostage Sooty, we continued through the woods with him (her? it?) as a guide. It took us through some dangerous bits, and in one particular place, we encountered a wolf pack.

The wolves (there were five of them) surrounded Rhogar. He went down, and failed the first Death Saving throw. As the rest of the party tried to get the wolves off him, what should have been a fairly easy "we have two rounds to heal him" didn't work out as planned, when Rhogar - after the GM prophesised he'd roll a one - rolled a one, thus instantly failing two Death Saves. As you only get three shots at not dying, Rhogar actually died. The rest of the players seemed more upset about this than Rhogar's own player, who immediately started working on rolling up a new character.

Meanwhile, the party went on to find Cragmaw Castle. We managed to find the boss room almost straight away. In it, we found the boss (King Wossname) and a few of his assistants. We also found Gundren, one of Hematite's missing cousins, and a chained-up elf.

Heroic battle win. Gundren was healed, and the elf turned out to be a rogue by the name Theren Siannodel. How fortuitous, we didn't have a rogue in the party before!

We'll miss Rhogar and his weirdly awesome Russian accent, but the adventure isn't over yet.

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Thursday, 23 October 2014

Do orcs need toes?

We nearly died in an attack - two players down, yay - but managed to get back up and win the day. We found the Wyvern Tor and a cave full of orcs and an ogre, and finally managed to take a hostage. Unfortunately, the spitting little git didn't know anything, so the "Lawful Good" Tan cut off his thumb, which Hematite dutifully bandaged. Then the party decided to dangle the orc over the side of a cliff and let him drop ... only to cast Feather Fall.

Long story short, he's now pining for the fjords.

On the way back to the Yellow Brick Trail, we encountered a group of goblins. Since goblins were the ones who actually had something to do with the Rockseeker brothers, we managed to take another prisoner who DID know stuff. He was hogtied in a very ... umm ... imaginative way. Let's just say it would appear Karak-Dag has some very exotic interests ...

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Can I buy that die off you and chuck it away?

After more travelling, we came to the house of Agatha the Banshee. We gave her a nice comb and she answered the question we posed. We just had to try to remember (as players) whose magic book we were supposed to ask her about. As it happened, the person who always writes everything down hadn't written that particular bit down.

The GM "helped", saying it was a funny name and it began with "Bow", because apparently, when it had been mentioned in passing many weeks out-of-game previously, the person who heard it had said "it's funny, because it sounds like Bojangle". Let's just say the clue didn't help, because the name wasn't actually funny.

Aaaaanyway. We then came across a wizard in a tent, guarded by zombies. We got rid of the zombies, and instead of sticking around and getting information from the wizard, we got rid of him too. Oh the things we do for XP ...

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

How much XP do we get for rolling 0 on initiative?

Having solved the Redbrand problem for Phandalin, we decided it was time to get back to looking for the Rockseeker brothers. Without having really investigated what it was, we went down the Miner's Trail to look for more information.

We found some, and went to follow up on them going down another trail. And then we were attacked a couple of times in the middle of the night, because XP. The first time went pretty well for the party, and the second time ... Hematite the cleric would've died if it hadn't been for the quick-thinking of Malinda, who emptied a healing potion down her neck. "It wasnae the best night ever."

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Door Murderer - Scourge of the Side Quests!

We finished up in the caves/tunnels/dungeons and decided to burn assorted weaponry in a room. How the weapons would manage to melt in an enclosed room with limited oxygen supply ... well, never mind.

In the cellar under the Redbrand mansion, we found the wife and children of a man who had been murdered. We tried to be reassuring and sympathetic, but it perhaps didn't pan out very well.

At any rate, we got rid of (in an Al Pacino way) most of the Redbrands, strongly suggested others might want to skip town and never return, and took a few as prisoners. Said prisoners were then hastily juged by the person we saved from that other cave, who assumed control of the town and Mayor Spineless didn't mind this at all, and executed.

Pats on the backs all 'round.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Follow that hovercraft!

Because we've been boardgaming a couple of weeks in a row, here are a couple of filler posts of games we've played previously, namely the Jurisfiction adventure "Life, the BookWorld, and Everything", in which four Jurisfiction agents were sent on a team-building mission inside The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.

This second and final instalment goes from the Heart of Gold spaceship landing on the ancient planet-building planet of Magrathea to ... well, the point at which the narrative ends, which also concludes their mission. Roll call:
  • Arthur Hastings, senior agent and a former military man and now occasional assistant to Agatha Christie's Belgian super-sleuth Hercule Poirot.
  • Captain Haddock, an old seadog fond of grog from Hergé's Adventures of Tintin graphic novels.
  • Kaa, a snake from Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book.
  • Macbeth, a mighty king of Shakespearean fame.

We've never felt quite the same about saying the word "Belgium" after this ...

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

We’ll cut the narrative off at the pass and leg it

We were half the team down last Wednesday, so those who were left played the Shadowrun card game in what we later discovered was the hardest mode possible, because we drew opponents from the wrong deck. Oops. Anyway, this is why this week's post instead is going to be a trip to Douglas Adams's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and what happens when a group of Jurisfiction agents are told to go on a team-building exercise inside its pages.

The agents were told to strictly stay out of the narrative ... and while roleplayers would normally decide to completely ignore this, they didn't, so I never got to inflict my specially prepared Vogon poetry on them. I are still disappoints, two years later.

Here's the crew:
  • Arthur Hastings, senior agent and a former military man and now occasional assistant to Agatha Christie's Belgian super-sleuth Hercule Poirot.
  • Captain Haddock, an old seadog fond of grog from Hergé's Adventures of Tintin graphic novels.
  • Kaa, a snake from Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book.
  • Macbeth, a mighty king of Shakespearean fame.
The first (of two) parts are when the agents have got aboard the Vogon ship and lasts until the Heart of Gold is about to be hit by a couple of Magrathean missiles ...

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Why are we cooking the goblin?

After much ado, we decided to pick one of the many questing opportunities and try to sort out those Redbrands. Or something.

We entered into a cave system (this is D&D after all) with a rickety bridge over a chasm to kill unweary adventurers. Fortunately, we have a mage in the party, and the mage decided to pick Feather Fall when levelling up. It paid of pretty much straight away. Hooray!

In the cave, we met eliminated a Nothic aberration and some bugbears, and set a goblin thrall free. We're nice that way, but not nice enough to heal the poor fellow's bleeding hands first. We also found a room where a rat looked at us and then disappeared when it was shot at. It's an animagus, I tell you!

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

You can't buy beer with frog ornaments

Taking the injured What's-his-face with us, the party finally reached the town of Phandalin, where rumours abound. (They have to, it's D&D law or something. Just like all dwarves have a Scottish accent.)

There were tales of the Redbrands, a gang of thugs saying they're "keeping people safe", and there was something about a banshee called Agatha, and basically, we went around town doing quest pick-ups. There were a whole bunch of 'em in the local tavern. (Please consider giving an honest review on Ye Olde Trippe Advisory!)

Gundren the missing dwarf is apparently with something or someone called the Black Spider. Meanwhile, his two brothers have also gone missing, so now the party cleric has three missing cousins instead of just one. Yay?

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

What does a critical hit do these days?

We continued our foray into the woods. Or, rather, into the cave we found last time. There were goblins inside that cave, and a big brutal bugbear.

We're happy to report that the cave is no longer infested with such vermin - because in D&D, ethnic cleansing is not only not frowned upon, it's positively encouraged!

After the first session, which we will henceforth refer to as the pilot episode, series one started out with some changes to the cast, so here's the smashing new line-up:

  • Hematite Frostbeard, dwarf cleric
  • Karak-Dag, human fighter
  • Malinda Hornraven, dragonblooded human sorceror
  • Rhogar Shieldbiter, dragonborn barbarian
  • Tan Elin, half-elf monk

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Does a person count as a flammable object?

Because we were - and this is going to sound a bit weird - one player up and one player down, and the new 5th Ed Player's Handbook was out, we got to re-spec our characters any way we liked.

So that's what we did, and as that didn't take all night but we didn't think to bring a game with us or something, we decided to have an early one for a change and then resume the adventure next session.

On the plus side, our new player is now in play. :D

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Can you abuse the system?

The new edition of D&D is out (sort of), and we're trying the starter set to see what it's like. The 4th edition was a bit hit and miss (mostly miss), but it seems as if they've taken the few good/useful bits of 4th and put on the useful/working 3.5 edition to make the 5th. Anyway.

I won't go into the plot, seeing as how it's the adventure in the starter pack, but it involved missing cousins, goblin ambushes, thickets and caves.

We're using the stereotypes in the box as they are (we might tweak them later when the actual book comes out), so here's the line-up:
  • Cade Tealeaf - Halfling Rogue
  • Hematite Frostbeard - Dwarf Cleric
  • Karak-Dag - Human Fighter (Folk Hero)
  • Rinn Moonbrook - Elf Wizard

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Offhanded guess becomes true!

I think we can summarise this session with "wow".

So, in the crowd, we saw this weird dude - who turned out was a Sunaj called Marvin. A Sunaj is some kind of Splugorth minion. He offered to give Booker something that will help him/us in the fight to come, and Booker managed to make the Sunaj agree to help out with the Lion situation.

Lion was brought forth, shed his disguise and was - gasp say it ain't so - a Rakshasa. Surprise! (Not really.) Fighting broke out. Booker emptied his guns into Lion's chest and Gorbash then grabbed hold of Lion, who turned into mist form beacuse he could. Dragonbreath singed him slightly, we think. At any rate, the Rakshasa disappeared and we had helped save the East Side Boys gang.

Their leader, Maria, having had the Cyber-Knight as a full body shield in the fight took a shine to him, and spent the next few hours flirting with him over cups of tea in the company of Baradhi. Gorbash went to talk to Ixchal about what was going on (Rita requested her presense), and Booker went to receive his gift. The gift turned out to be an Elom, a symbiod creature whose only real downside (maybe) is that only servants of Splugorth are ever seen wearing them. At the back of their neck. Still, it might come in useful later, so Booker named it "Bally".

We finished off by finally meeting Rita, a.k.a. Hecate, who hadn't really thought to check what dimension she was asked to make a portal to/from. She agreed that maybe that gate needs stopping after all. But that's the next adventure. Cliffhanger!!

Wednesday, 23 July 2014


After getting a good night's sleep back home at the Blackstone headquarters, we followed clues. Booker went to the Crow Bar and got sloshed on psychedelic potions for "research purposes", and Gorbash went to see if Ixchal was home. She wasn't.

However, Jayson flashed some Cyber-Knight armour, making shopkeepers a bit nicer to us, and we found clues that took us north east, to the Silversmith Gang territory. Apparently they're quite nice ... as gangs go.

Further on from them were the East Side Boys, another gang, a couple of whose members were seen escorting Rita roundabout when she went AWOL. The ESB were really rather concerned about our presense, because our reputation preceeded us. Their attitude was along the lines of "PLEASE DON'T KILL US". We had no plans to. Although, their leader Maria's reliance on a "powerful mage" called Lion was a bit creepy. Lion insulted the lot of us to various degrees. For instance, claiming the Cyber-Knight wasn't a Cyber-Knight. Maybe we'll feed him that fusion bomb next session. You can't trust people who claim to be powerful mages when they're defrauding people with psionics!

On a sad note, we've lost our Glitter Boy player due to him having other commitments (we wish him well). On the other hand, he might or might not be replaced by a guy who's already familiar with this blog, because he's been quoted on here before. It might up the madness a bit more. GASP!

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

We're never going to finish this adventure

I forgot to post this last week because parents were visiting from abroad and stuffs. Last week, we played a bit of Relic, and I should've actually taken notes because there were some funny things said, but I didn't, so never mind.

We went through the portal in Rita's shop and ended up in the City of Brass. It's not a Mortal Instruments book. (... Or is it?) We took a boat trip, talked to Necrophims and their Soul Snakes and tried bargaining with them. It went so-so.

We got through a magic circle outside a door to what appeared to be Rita's workshop, and we've discovered that she's some kind of alien intelligence. We may have helped ourselves to some gems she'll never miss. (*cough*)

And we finished by going back on the boat all the way back to the portal and left the shop with fresh clues.

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Find the storekeeper, save the world

We finished off the last of the battle. Jayson's laser rifle misfired and blew away a part of a building. Before it collapsed, Gorbash saved the woman and child who we could see were in the building. Both him and Jayson then broke into song to calm them down. The remaining Rakshasa had already run away at this point.

While Gorbash went to flirt have a chat with Ixchal, the rest of the group took the recently made homeless mother and child back to the Blackstone Juggernaut headquarters, where they were assured they would be perfectly safe - and the mum could even get a job.

As Baradhi had a look through the (unexpected) eyes of Sister Anna, there were clues. Perhaps Rita the Babe was a bit more powerful in the wizarding department than we had expected. Back at her shop, we encountered another group of mercenaries - difference was their (stupidly paid) mission wasn't to find her, it was to kill her, but a bargain was struck: we find her and cash in, then they can take over and cash in their job and everyone's happy.

We closed the session having explored the magical runes protecting the tables in the shop and even found our way into the cellar ... and there was a gate. OMINOUS!!

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Is there anyone you HAVEN'T shot?

Unfortunately, we were not one but TWO players down last session, so we had to resort to playing boardgames instead. Or in this case a card game - we played Cards Against Humanity with great merriment. Probably hit scrota in record time or something.

Since I was too busy laughing to jot down quotes, here's the final episode of Jurisfiction: Meanwhile in Narnia, in which the agents meet Aslan (who in no way has the chocolatey voice of Liam Neeson) and explain a few things to him. And then they shoot him with a tranquiliser dart, of course. This is a roleplaying game, after all.

They also solve the mystery of whodunnit, and "accidentally" tranq Peter Pevensie just as he's trying to hit on Carmilla. It was the best day ever!

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

You know those innocent bystanders ...

We decided to start early and finish off the scene from last week so that we'd be ready to rejoin Drake when his player arrived, but as it happens, he never did. :(

Still in Rakshasa territory, we spoke to a guy called Richard (I consider the naming of that NPC to be a tribute to Rik Mayall, even though I don't think that was the case) who was happy to divulge pretty much everything he knew even before Baradhi did a little mind control on him. Richard later got his head ripped off by Sister Anna, the Rakshasa lady of which we're now sworn enemies.

Thinking it was terribly uncouth to rip a perfectly decent guy's head off, we went to town on a bunch of Rakshasa, and the rest of the session seemed to go by in a flash - and we're only like half-way through combat!

Also: We have seen Booker's secret hideout. It's kind of creepy. And the Rakshasa are now terrified of Booker. As well they should be!

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Getting maimed? Not in the mood!

Well, the Rakshasa were toast and the party survived, so that's good. The group also had a chance to catch up with Booker. Drake went and got his armour sorted, as his player was indisposed.

Booker, it turns out, used to kill innocent people for money before he met us. We daresay it explains a few things. The amulet he bought off a friend (who was a little too eager to get rid of it) turns out to be a symbol of Splugorth, and that's generally not considered a good fashion accessory.

And then we used those red bandannas to infiltrate Rakshasa Raider territory while trying to find that big box full of doom gate, and uh, let's just say we're starting to have a Bad Feeling about this campaign ...

Wednesday, 4 June 2014

Who doesn't want to roll a bucket of d6?

Investimagations continued. Baradhi and Jayson went to a pub so that Baradhi could appear to be asleep, when he in actual fact was in astral form looking at Rita the Major Babe's shop with Jayson standing sitting guard. There were three large smoke pillars - solid on the astral plane - that took up most of the room.

Meanwhile, the other three were back at base, with Booker still in charge. Because the other two didn't check back in, Gorbash was dispatched to make sure they weren't in trouble.

They weren't. They just hadn't checked in. The three kept looking around a bit more, and talked to a shopkeeper.

And then they didn't check in on a very good line, so Drake was dispatched. Booker stayed back at the base ... having a coffee ... very slowly ...

And then a lot of Rakshasa came for the rest of the party, from every direction ...

So. Anyone for Rakshasa mince?

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

All good deeds must be given with a minor crime

And we're off!

So, we killed Milan, the dragon allied with the Rakshasa, and that was just the last adventure. For this, Booker Dayes (the gunslinger) got a mystery box from the Gray Seers, filled with all manner of weird and wonderful things. There's a protective amulet, a kinetic force gun (totally frickin awesome), a brick with a cryptic message, some red bandannas and a bag of what 1200 credits later turned out to be table salt.

As the Blackstone Juggernauts chief went out to buy loo roll or something, he put Booker Dayes in charge, so when a creepy guy called Rolf (without an Aussie accent, we hasten to add) said he wanted us to find his missing girlfriend, Booker got us a pretty sweet deal. Hopefully.

The missing woman is slightly beyond a Jessica Rabbit level of hotness, so the rest of the team seemed quite interested in helping out. Perhaps less so Christopher Drake the Glitter Boy who, when not in his armour, is dead from the waist down. Well, presumably he still is even in his armour, it's just that he can move around.

Baradhi and Jayson went to check out the place where Jessica Rabbit has a magic shop, and Gorbash had a look around with Drake but things were heating up, so they got out of there. It might have had something to do with Drake threatening to maim a guy ...

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Didn’t you say we were going to finish tonight?

Last session we had a shoot-out in a café, where we were supposed to meet up with a team of Hunters from Nottingham. Instead, we got attacked by some creatures and had to leave. Tilly got a bit upset because a creature was actually an innocent (she can see people's souls now) ... which didn't stop the rest of the party killing it.

This session we went to Trevor's and met the Hunters there instead. It turned out we all had pets, in one way or another (Eddie is Trevor's pet, vodka is Zolistagol's, and then there's Tilly's little Rommel, of course).

The other team were a bit weird - one of the women was about as doolally as Trevor's sister Agatha, and she talked about monsters being in the house, but we didn't see any. The Nottingham team spraypainted a corner of the living room.

And then came a policeman, Detective Black, who asked strange questions. As his car left the driveway, there was a noise from the roof - David Hayes (Trevor's bodyguard) had shot the guy. Great. Super-strength junkie woman (who kept babbling an awful lot) dragged the car up to the house and hid it in a barn, because now the mansion apparently has one. How to get rid of the evidence? Well, apparently creatures like the one Rommel is (when he's not just a puppydog) can go all CSI and eat any forensic evidence. So that's useful - and ever so slightly horrifying.

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Introducing Father Christmas with +5 vorpal slay bells

Last week, the Ref had to cancel at the last minute, so we ended up playing the boardgame Eldritch Horror. And, of course, we tend to be a bit too engrossed in playing the boardgame to write things down. Also, we tend to talk about things that aren't particularly funny when written down, such as who should move where and do what.

Instead, have the penultimate instalment of Jurisfiction: Meanwhile in Narnia! In this bit, the agents meet Father Christmas ... and then shoot him with a tranquiliser dart, strip him bare and put Louis in the Santa suit. Oh, if only Aslan would hurry up and get here ...

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Like the Salvador Dali of monster hunting

So, the team - okay, Tilly - has acquired an Alsatian puppy/tentacle monster dubbed Rommel (because reasons), who might or might not have decided to do its business in Trevor's Land Rover.

Meanwhile, Eddie, Tommy and Zolistagol went gallavanting around the underground passages we recognised from the previous adventure, and found a tentacle monster disguised as a lady - who picked up the Molotov thrown at her. They responded by chucking the whole petrol can at her, but unfortunately Zolistagol's player forgot he has the "Heroic Molotov" skill. Which could have been useful at the time. At any rate, explosions were exploding.

Then we hung out with the eastern European dude who might or might not have gone by the name Rommel during World War II, we're not sure. Either way, we're seeing the light in the tunnel that is this adventure - we just have to make sure it's not a train about to run us over. Which is just as well, because when Zolistagol finds out Trevor scratched the paintwork on his precious, vintage Mercedes, there will be blood.

Wednesday, 30 April 2014

The Reincarnation of Axcalibur

The pregnant Eddie tried to drown his sorrows (foetus) in vodka. Strangely, he wasn't getting drunk from any of it, but instead, his body got very toned all of a sudden. He had never sported a sixpack before! Pregnancy really suits him!

We went looking for clues in Alvaston (or rather, Trevor was looking for a place to turn into a community centre), a rough part of Derby, and unfortunately, that's when Eddie decided to give birth to the big stone egg. Well, first of all, there was a thing crawling up through his throat and Tommy had to perform a tracheotomy and pull it out to stop Eddie from suffocating. The thing was a baby tentacle monster, as expected, and its gunk was highly corrosive. Luckily, Tilly performed some healing magics on him so that he wouldn't bleed to death.

Unfortunately, Eddie was carrying twins. There was also an egg and it decided to come out through his plumbing, so to speak. Ouchhh. The monster baby was dispatched and thrown into a hedge, where a tentacle monster and his tentacle monster dog then went looking.

So that was mentally scarring. We had visits from the blue-eyed German guy again, and some of us entered into bargains with him, which we're not exactly sure if it was a good idea or not yet, but we hope he isn't Fey, because then we're screwed. Eddie got another axe as replacement for his dearly departed Axcalibur.

Later on, we went back and were going to talk to the man and his dog, but the man ran into Zolistagol, Tommy and a patched-up Eddie and they didn't go easy on him. The dog, however, was behaving the way these tentacle monsters were supposed to behave ... so Tilly decided to try befriending it. How that works out, we'll find out next time.

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

You can't make a Heroic Molotov without breaking a few eggs

We did what any normal roleplaying group would do: we brought the big stone eggs together at Trevor's, because there was one in Trevor's basement and one disguised as a book box at Tilly's. Bringing eggs together made them smash, and green goo went all over the place.

Zolistagol and Eddie quickly went to clean themselves off, but Tilly was fascinated by the gunk moving ... especially as it was actually moving OFF her. The goo went down on the floor and came together in a great Terminator impression. It became a baby hook tentacle monster that was almost sort of cute.

We did what any normal roleplaying group would do: KILL IT BEFORE IT KILLS US. Most of the party didn't seem too concerned about being baby-killers, except for Tilly who wasn't convinced we should have killed the thing in the first place.

It turned out there were a few eggs over at Eddie's as well, and that his old pal Dave was a tentacle monster. The cinnamon-smelling ganja smoke that filled up Eddie's living room had the unfortunate side effect of impregnating him ... with one of those stone eggs. The weird writing we had seen on the walls was actually a warning to stay away because 'ere be an incubator.

Dave was later shot and killed, which wasn't part of the plan, but at least we didn't do it.

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Do you sell disposable shotguns?

We had food again, which Eddie found himself actually enjoying (even though it was a really poncy kebab with green things in it).

We planned.

We got attacked.

At Trevor's mansion decent-sized house, after catching up with Agatha and the woman we kept safely locked up in an upstairs bathroom and sending the latter on her merry way now that she's feeling better, a brain-sucking creature was going to stick its tentacles in Tilly's head, but luckily, Trevor was there to blow most of the creature away and scare off the other one. He needs to find himself some disposable shotguns because every time he uses one, it blows up thanks to the wrath of God.

At Tommy's there was strange writing on the walls and in his wardrobe, a mysterious hat box. With a big stone egg in it that couldn't be knocked over. It was so peculiar that he decided to put it in the bin for safe-keeping.

Eddie called one of his "cleaners" to Tommy's, seeing as how there were some corpses there from last week's session (not to mention this one), and the guys all decided to help - even when the instructions were "here, help me cut up these bodies". Zolistagol appeared to fit into the role of butcher a little too readily ...

Arriving at the rather gory scene, Tilly freaked out so much she went to watch Top Gear on Dave, later uttering things like "the Bugatti Veyron is a good car, apparently".

Wednesday, 9 April 2014


We're back in Derby, picking up shortly after the end of the previous adventure. Eddie, or rather "Eddie", had ordered some goons to off the local police chief last time we played, so the real Eddie made sure to let his goons know to not just follow orders unless they're accompanied by a password, so to speak.

The group found a new (and slightly retconned) ally in the hospital porter Thomas "Tommy" Crane, who had some info about the semi-zombified people that were hospitalised. And later on, he was attacked by an invisible, brain-sucking ... thing with tentacles. It was unpleasant. But at least being attacked by otherworldly creatures means he's now one of the team.

And apparently, there's this guy with blue eyes who goes around warning people about "hollow knights" and burning buildings. What's that about?

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Are you uncomfortable yet?

The wife and child were taken care of, and we went to deliver the "package" (Harold) to the people who wanted him, but apparently they no longer wanted him, and the Johnson who hired us had been a little "hasty" in his instruction to us. The job wasn't guaranteed, and actually, the corporation that hired us have close ties with Mitsuhama (Harold's previous employer) so under no circumstances could they have him or there would be Problems.

They said we should kill him, or at least get rid of him so that he would never resurface.

We didn't want to kill him, because we caused the situation for him, even if it was unwittingly. When we all then misunderstood an NPC's statement of "I've had to dispose of them myself" to mean Harold's family (when he did in fact mean the Harold's family's CommLinks - bit of a difference), things took a rather nasty turn.

Harold didn't listen to our plea to stay hidden and switch his CommLink off ("WE found you because it's still on, doofus! Don't you think THEY will?") ... so Teddy decided to "take care of" him. By magically influencing him to play with traffic.

Well ... at least he's dead now. But the traffic jam, and the reason for it, is headline news.

So that didn't pan out.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Objects in the rear-view mirror may explode quicker than you think

We started where we left off last session rather than doing the entire scene again from scratch.

While Ugrub was held at gunpoint by the remaining survivor from the van, Dru got out of the car and planted explosives under the van and then telling everyone to get the hell out, as there was only a six-second fuse. Ugrub still got shot but managed to run off, with Dru running after him and Teddy hiding in an alley in the other direction. Phage managed to drive off, but surprisingly, so did the van. Phage stomped on the brakes of her car and the speeding van blew up a bit further down the street, causing a gridlock all over downtown.

She then picked up Harold, a.k.a. the guy we were supposed to convert, and drove him home. Because she suspected him of not telling her the whole truth and nothing but the truth, she shot him in the leg and then wanted Dru to talk her through patching him up over the phone.

The rest of the gang re-grouped, with Ugrub patched up, and walked for a bit until they managed to flag down a taxi to go to the gated community where Harold lived. As Phage got there first, she threatened Harold's wife Marie, because she wasn't panicked enough that a stranger had come home with her husband bleeding profusely from a gunshot wound to the leg.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Introducing the Duffel Bag of Destruction!

We didn't get very far in this session, to be perfectly honest. We plotted what we were going to do when meeting the guy Phage had lured to a café. Ugrub waited by the back door while Phage and Dru kept look-out by the front window, posing as coffee-drinkers. The job of talking to the guy fell on Teddy.

The guy was convinced defecting was a good idea, and Teddy suggested he go home and pack and be ready to leave home with his wife and family in about three hours. Basically, so that his current employer wouldn't find out and do something bad to him.

Shorty after the guy left, some guy in the booth next to where Teddy had been sitting also left, so we all went to red alert. Then Teddy mind-controlled the guy, who started shooting into a parked van on the other side of the street, and the rest of the session was taken up with that combat.

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Creating blackmail material like a baws

It's our lucky night! Not only did we pick up fancy stuff with the money we had rolled for, we also got a new player on board! He passed the initiation test - namely, putting up with us lot - and impressed the two Swedes by not spitting out the salty liquorice he was offered. Fitting right in straight away! :D

A new player also means a new character joining the party, namely a human Decker called Phage. It means we're starting out as a (gasp) well-rounded party!

The game begun by us being offered a job by a big corporation to snatch someone who was interested in defecting from one big corporation to another. We just need to get to him so we can have a little chat. Without being hit by corporate assassins or something like that. Easy peasy. Especially when we use the hacker to pose as a former colleague of his. He used to stare at her boobs. We think. What could possibly go wrong?

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Levelling up and character generating with explosives

It's a short post this time, because it's two different sessions where not a lot was written down. The first, because we just levelled up our Rifts characters and then played the Firefly boardgame. The only quote from the boardgaming is the last one in section one.

The next week, we started generating characters for the brand-spanking new Shadowrun (5th edition) campaign. It's set in Seattle, and what we're doing, we don't know yet, because we never got that far. Instead, we ended up talking about childhood indiscressions, to the point where I suggested deletion of the audio file so as to not be in possession of incriminating evidence. Ahem.

With no further ado, here's the new party:

Elf Face Shaman "Nice Guy Teddy": He's a professional translator who told his employer about a murder plot, and then for some reason his car got blown up and pretty much everything else. Since then, he sort of lives on the streets.

Troll Street Samurai "Ugrub Carter": Funnily enough, he was ordered to blow up someone's car (not Teddy's), and things kind of went south for him as well, so now he's sort self-employed.

Dwarf Street Doctor - "Dru" (Druguntha): If this name sounds familiar, it's because it is. After blowing up a pizzeria to cover up a crime scene in New York, the German import Dru apparently made her way to Seattle. And now she has a back story and everything. And a medical degree.

Let the mayhem commence!

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Dragonslayers are GO!

As far as cunning plans go, ours was very cunning indeed. First, Gorbash antagonised Milan by dipping a toe in the guy's territory. Milan, so big and strong, apparently needs six Rakshasa to combat Gorbash, which says a lot about both of them. Gorbash tried reasoning with him, but Milan wasn't interested.

With Milan out of the way, Baradhi and Sir Jayson went to find the gate box. Baradhi astral walked into the building, down some stairs and found the box in the basement. Unfortunately, there was someone there who could see him, so he had to make a quick exit.

After reporting back to HQ, we decided that the best option to retrieve the box - or destroy it - was to not have Milan there, because he's a fricken DRAGON. So we went somewhere near a ley line in his territory, tooled up and waited.

He shot first.

Or, okay, breathed fire first, barbecuing some poor bystanders in the process. Baradhi cast Carpet of Adhesion to make sure he couldn't move, and then we shot him with everything we had. First, Gorbash was blinded and accidentally blew up a building (with innocent people inside) thinking he was aiming for Milan. Sir Jayson, who was blinded next, still had a good aim, though, and his robot horse came into its own as well.

Now Milan is dead, so we can all call ourselves Dragonslayers. W00t! Gorbash took the body to the head of Stormspire (who wanted four pints of dragon blood), said "here you go" and as a reward, the guy is going to go after - and destroy, we hope - that box we were after. So, uh, we appear to have finished the adventure already.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

PB&Z sandwich with a side of squishy mage

As Jayson woke up all sweaty and squee-worthy from the bad dream, Gorbash headed out of the window to find the zombies that were allegedly on the way. While waiting, Jayson got dressed (bow-chicka-bow-wow) and Baradhi went downstairs to help himself to a drink.

There were indeed zombies on the way. And a mage.

We slew the zombies (hard buggers they were too), and in a stroke of genius, Gorbash flew down and grabbed hold of the mage ... squishing him to pieces. Apparently that worked better than trying to shoot him with firebolts and laser cannons. He then went on to see if the body or the head would hit the ground first, because science, and because Gorbash is a young dragon eager to learn.

When we got back to HQ, Baradhi went and got tooled up in a weapons shop. He got a number of grenades, despite Jayson's objections. Baradhi didn't get himself any kind of skills to be able to handle the grenades - much to the seller's dismay - but at least he got a friendly cyborg to help train him a little.

While Baradhi practiced his new explosive toys, Jayson practiced with his new bow and arrow and then went to bed and finally got some proper sleep. Meanwhile, Gorbashi surveyed the land in dragon form only to find a place in the distance with the charming name Soul Harvest, which is probably where we need to go. Yay.

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

I think my dice are scared of sidequests

Plot Progression!

Baradhi went ley line hopping over to the town of Londonium, from where it would appear the gate box originated. Around the house where it was presumably created, around 40 people had died mysteriously.

We finally went back to see the insect people, whose queen gave Baradhi his gift - a headband full of mystical runes. Once adorned, the headband would not come off.

Meanwhile, bad dreams kept pestering Jayson, including visions of a guy called Gabriel, who kept repeating "Must save the world" over and over like some sort of mad wizard dude. We suspect Gabriel is being manipulated by Nxla, considering he seems hellbound to opening portals from Nxla's world to ours, sucking out souls and that.

Either way, we're not doing what the GM expected us to do, but then what else is new?

And then the zombies came.

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

You don’t need armour if they’re dead

When approaching a town, to which the party had tracked a missing box from the shipment transport, we encountered our fellow Blackstone Juggernaut Booker Dayes, the gunslinger. He was just finishing up "escorting" Liberace/a gaudy merchant/possibly his pimp, and reluctantly decided to join us.

We were urged to leave town as soon as we set a foot in it. They didn't want any trouble, and we looked like trouble (peh!). They'd struck a deal with human-eating lizard people to keep the town safe, we found out thanks to Baradhi's magics, and it would be a terrible shame if we were to get eaten. So we decided to stick around. After Jayson got his psi sword out and his kit off (more gifs, presumably) to prove he was a Cyber Knight.

Gorbash did his best to impress the townsfolk - whose previous experience of dragons didn't exactly make them friendly - by going to a hospital and healing people. When not getting drunk with Baradhi, Booker got to blow up a building (he was very happy).

The missing cargo was found along with the lone survivor from the transport, who insisted the box was evil and had to be destroyed. We were almost destroyed when finding this out, but it's good to have a friendly dragon on your side. The cargo - belonging to the mysterious "R.A.", how's that for coincidence? - was later delivered to Milan and a bunch of Rakshasa. We may have decided to find out where it was going ...

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

The Accidental Homosexual Incident

Aaaaand we're back!

Gorbash the young dragon, Sir Jayson Oakwood the Cyber Knight and Michael Baradhi the Leywalker/Wizardy type went to the spider creatures to claim Baradhi's reward. (Booker Dayes the gunslinger had been called away to babysi escort a merchant, and was therefore absent.) They said the reward would be ready in a few days, could we perhaps come back later?

The group decided to go to a nearby town and spend the night. While drinking in the local pub, we came across a friend, Gerald, who was drowning his sorrows because his wife's merchant caravan had gone missing. Could we perhaps look into it for him? Seeing as how he offered us $300k for the trouble, who were we to say no?

When talk turned to heading to bed, Gerald somehow interpreted our response to mean we wanted to join him. In bed. This made him uncomfortable, although we had no idea what he was on about. It did cause some tension later, when Baradhi woke up to find Gorbash leaning over Sir Jayson's sleeping body, nose to nose ... Said Cyber Knight has been having (k)nightmares recently, and might or might not involve having a Necromancer as a nemesis.

Gorbash made a new friend, female dragon Ixchel, in whose territory Gorbash spends a lot of time. Fortunately, she's a friendly kind of dragon. Unlike Milan, from the previous adventure, who would rather see Gorbash dead, so now both Baradhi and Jayson now want to have the title Dragonslayer. No reason.

Oh yeah, and the shipment thingy? Found the transport ... and the bony remains of two bodies, one of which seemed to belong to Gerald's wife.

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Beavers and buttheads

After talking to Brian Tumnus in the pub, the group of Jurisfiction agents skipped ahead a few chapters and went to see the beaver couple, to check if they had any Christmas decorations stashed away, or at least knew anything about it. They had, and they did.

Van Helsing and Carmilla, in some kind of Mexican standoff, waited outside the beaver hut while Alice said hello to her idol Lucy Pevensie and her older siblings Susan and Peter. (Edmund was of course off somewhere fraternising with the enemy over some Turkish delight.) Lucy turned out to have more in common with a certain modern female character than anyone could have anticipated - much to the distress of Alice and the players.

Meanwhile, Louis and Long John went around investigating ... and met a nameless dwarf, who had a few things to say about his employer (the White Witch), his lack of a name, and the reason behind the recent influx of Christmas decorations in the book. Louis was kind enough to give the dwarf a name: Louis. Just a shame it won't last.

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Why would we sell our friends to Aslan?

We continue the Jurisfiction adventure. We're in Narnia, investigating contraband Christmas ornaments that might be disrupting the narrative. At least if we let it, which we won't, because we're Jurisfiction agents.

Here, the agents meet Mr Tumnus, with his ehhhh interesting wardrobe, and then head off to a hidden pub called the Golden Lion, where Mr Tumnus's brother Brian is having a tea - because you can't get alcoholic beverages in this children's novel. Not even rum.

And Aslan, peh, he's not good for pub business. What with turning water into wine and everything. Bloody cheapskate.

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Equal rights for people with no pulse!

The first ever Jurisfiction adventure to span more than one session! In this one, the group left The Shining to meet up with Abraham van Helsing at HQ, before moving on to Narnia. Van Helsing and Carmilla instantly took a disliking to one another. While the rest of the party gathered at the lamp post, Carmilla, thanks to botching a Bookjumping roll, ended up in Wonderland. Well, she WAS rather preoccupied with Alice ...

On the other hand, the Red Queen was keen to get her hands on a Narnian statue and gave Carmilla a bag of Christmas ornaments as payment. But she had better come back with a bear, or heads will roll.